Hi, I haven't posted in a long time. I have no idea who is reading this anyway. It was supposed to be for my relatives and friends, but we haven't told any of them about it yet. I am also supposed to be learning creative writing skills by doing this, but I guess I can't do that either if I never post. So.
1. Favorite color?
Blue is first, black is a close second, then white, then red, then green, then purple, then grey.
2. Favorite school subject?
Foreign languages, I like learning new ways to talk, even though I don’t talk much.
3. Dogs or cats?
Both. Dogs are very friendly and loyal, they can sometimes be annoying like when they bark a lot or won’t stop pestering you. Cats are independent; don’t need you so much, but when you do feel like interacting with them, they probably will try to get away.
4. You are given a bunk bed. Do you sleep top or bottom?
Top, I like the isolation it gives me.
5. Favorite TV show?
That’s a hard one; I can’t pick one. So, I’m going to give my top 3 (in no particular order). Number 1: Still Standing, because it’s still funny even if you start watching halfway into the episode. Number 2: Fawlty Towers, because it has a different style of humor than from what I’m used to. Number 3: Death Note, because it reminds me of Sherlock Holmes. It’s an anime. I watched the whole series on youtube, I don’t know where to find it on tv now. That’s all I can think of for now.
6. Favorite movies?
Again, I am going to give a top favorite list. Number 1: A Dog’s Breakfast, because it very funny. Number 2: The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, because it kept me on the edge of my seat, until I fell off. Number 3: Psycho, it was thrilling. There are a lot more. Like The Bad Seed.
7. Favorite books?
Psycho – I liked it better than the movie, I read it afterward. And Then There Were None, Agatha Christie. The Chronicles of Narnia series was interesting. Calvin and Hobbes, all of them.
8. Bookstores or video stores?
Both. Actually, libraries give me both books and videos. Gamestop for actual video games.
9. Favorite video game if you’re a gamer:
I like a lot of horror video games, like Resident Evil, Silent Hill and Clock Tower.
10. IM or texting or voice?
None of the above. I don’t have a cell phone, I hate talking on any phone, and I don’t even like myspace, much less instant messaging. I will email though. Eventually. Don’t expect a quick response. When I do stuff with people, I prefer to do it in person.
11. Myspace or Facebook?
I don’t even know what Facebook is. I only have a myspace account because my mom made me. She’s evil.
12. Comic books or novels?
Both. LOVE both.
13. Play a musical instrument?
Not really no. Played the recorder for a little while until the teacher stopped giving lessons. I would like to learn how to play a keyboard.
14. Play a sport? Or just spectate?
Neither really. I don’t care much for team stuff, but I will play when my church group does something. I liked basketball when I tried it. Skating and cycling are good, no teams needed.
15. Couch potato or energetic?
Couch potato. Used to be energetic. Have been tired ever since appendicitis a few years ago.
16. Artist or scientist?
Artist. Love comic book drawing. Like technology too. Not as interested in nature anymore.
17. Mountains or beach? Snow or sand?
Beach, although I haven’t been there in forever. Mountains are good too, nice and isolated, bonus points if there’s a pool.
18. Sweats or G.Q.?
Sweats. And almost nothing else. Don’t even like jeans. Really don’t like suits. Would prefer shorts, made out of fleece. I wear very thin cotton t shirts most of the time.
19. Cruise ship or RV road trip?
Cruise ship, there’s more room than on an RV. Besides, I get carsick very easily. Guess that could happen on a boat too.
20. Favorite band/music artist or song?
Rock and techno music.
21. Do you buy more stuff from Amazon or EBay?
I prefer Amazon, you don’t have to compete. I don’t like shopping.
22. Favorite internet websites?
TONS of them. I go everywhere. Sites with web comics usually. YouTube and Deviant Art are just two of my favorites.
23. Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Don’t care if he’s real or not as long as my presents are under the tree.
24. What is the funniest inside family joke at your house?
Whenever someone passes gas near our dog, she gets up and leaves the room. Quickly. If you don’t want to wait for your dinner to digest, you can just make a raspberry and that works just as well.
25. What is the most important characteristic you look for in another person when you meet?
If they are pleasant to be around. I don’t like grouches.
Last but not least, pick something very interesting or unusual about yourself:
I’m autistic, but I don’t like people like me. They usually get on my nerves. I treat everyone equally, so I usually end up insulting them, also because I don’t think when I speak. I don’t take differences into account; I don’t discriminate when I should; so I sometimes offend when I don’t mean to.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
personal history survey
Ok, this is something innocuous while I continue to contemplate the future of my blog. One of my dumbass young "friends" on myspace sent me this awhile ago, and I might as well do SOMETHING while I'm still considering heavy stuff. Thanks for the push, Torina. I have asked three people their advice/opinions, and all three were kind enough to send me a response, and I still need to ponder awhile more. But in the meantime.....
personal history survey
place of birth?
Near Philadelphia. Who cares? Freaking identity theft stalkers, that's who.
what is your first conscious memory?
Jumping on my parents' bed while my dad was reading a newspaper on the toilet in the bathroom on the otherside of the room with the door open. When I told him about this a long time ago, he insists he couldn't have been USING the toilet, was probably just escaping the coffee klatch mom had in the living room. Knowing him, I believe it. Mr. Anal Retentive wouldn't have actually used a bathroom with a witness present, he would have locked the door.
state of your parents’ union?
Well, they were married when I was born, although it was the second time they had married each other. Gluttons for punishment I think.
remember anything about your first home?
Well, I was there for fourteen freaking years, so I say yes. It was a rancher on an acre of land with the house perched on a hilltop that made for GREAT sledding. Too bad I can't stand the freaking snow now.
did you have pets as a child?
A succession of dogs. The first I loved and was hit by the jackass neighbor's car who went five million miles per hour in an extremely residential dead end street. It could have easily been one of us kids instead. We mourned the dog horribly. Then got two more. All three had several litters of puppies (we were bad environmentalists then. Well worse, anyway).
biggest hobby?
Um, does reading count? I was a serious bibliophile at a very young age. I climbed trees a great deal.
music or sports?
both I guess. I loved the piano, but didn't take real lessons until like um eleven? twelve? I loved riding my bike, but I wasn't much for team sports. or teams. oo, wait, ping pong fanatic. WAY back in the day.
childhood bullies?
Yeah, Kurt at the top of the hill. Probably picked on me because my older brothers kicked his ass on several memorable occasions. I'm sure he's a cool adult now. There were others at school too, but I forget. I think the girls were scarier than the boys.
favorite childhood book?
probably the Ramona the Pest series. There were so many. Madeleine L'Engle when I was a little older.
first best friend?
Still is!! Lisa the Great. Lived across the street. Knew me in utero. Hardly get to see her now that I moved to the sticks. Bad me.
favorite elementary school teacher and subject?
My kindergarten teacher sticks in my mind as the kindest/sweetest, Mrs Rice. I think I know all the rest - Kinderman, Hallman, Walters, Feist, Gradwell, um, Swa-something. Favorite subject back then - probably reading. Getting to go to the library. Hated gym, was picked on too much. Failed math, I think.
best subject in high school?
Language arts? Math? I can tell you what I LIKED the most: ceramics. Didn't like gym still, but was excused by extremely sensitive laid back track guy who let me and a friend go work out with the football team in the weight room everyday. Somebody tell me WHY I found THAT less traumatizing?
extracurricular?
Was not a band twinkie, or cheerleader, or any crap like that. Was actually kind of antisocial. Started joining clubs my second year of HS for purposes of plumping transcript for college admission in order to get the h out of my household. Admissions application question: why do you want to go to our school? Truthful answer: must escape insane parents NOW. YOUR school has nothing to do with it.
first dance?
Don't think I ever did. No wait, does two proms count? Don't believe we did any dancing though.
first date?
not quite remembering. Probably with first real boyfriend.
first kiss?
With boy named David at Junior Achievement conference in San Francisco. I had gum in my mouth. He stuck his tongue in it. Oops.
when did you first get a driver’s license?
I think eighteen. I was TERRIFIED to drive. Might have been permit at sixteen, license at seventeen, didn't drive until eighteen.
first car was?
a blue 1981 Chevette, manual drive. Boy was that fun my first time on the freeway, during rush hour, in Los Angeles.
at what age did you have your first significant romantic relationship?
I see where this is leading, and I'm going to delete the next question. But anyway, I was fifteen and had a steady boyfriend that I dated for two and a half years. He was awesome. It made high school more bearable.
biggest trouble you got into during HS (or earlier?)
Probably when I was in the woods with my brother and his friends who were smoking pot. I wanted to come along for the walk. We went behind a church (stupid idiots) and they called the cops. We ran like hell, and they didn't catch us. Once I sat in the car while some of my friends T.P'd somebody's parents' house that they were pissed at. Also, I borrowed a key from one of the ladies in the admin office and went into the Dean's office right before there was a big standardized test administered. Holy hell broke loose that I might have compromised the whole school. I almost pissed my pants and came close to getting an ulcer. I sobbed in a bathroom for a half hour. And once my parents came home while my boyfriend was over at night(no, he wasn't supposed to be there) and I had to shoo him out the back door before they came in the front. I can't pick just one.
did you take a college entrance exam, and do you still remember the scores?
I know I took the SAT's, and my scores were 530 english (which shocked me b/c it was low) and 690 math (which shocked me b/c it was high). This was back when a perfect score in each was 800. Now I think they are 1200 in each category. I also took the Achievement tests? The scores were similar, I think.
class rank?
OMG, I have no idea. It was in the top ten percent. Possibly top five. What difference does that make if you have a low population in your particular class or if they are a big bunch of losers? it doesn't proove anything. There were almost 500 seniors the year I graduated, which was back in the dark ages.
H.S. diploma/College degree?
Yes and yes. Graduated high school at sixteen, didn't graduate college until 23. Just a bachelor's though. Grad school is not permanently out of reach.
first time you moved away from home, and RUNNING away doesn’t count…
I started college at sixteen, just a couple months before I turned seventeen, and I moved into the dorms. I did NOT rush a soroirity.
first job?
Sales Associate at a then major department store which since went out of business forever even though they had been around since 76 trombones led the big parade....
most interesting job?
probably working in the "skin shop." It was a talent agency for strippers and clowns and other party entertainment.
first deliberate career/field choice?
well I majored in human resources management for a reason. That's where I ended up. I should have majored in social work or nursing instead. But I don't regret it.
first baby/child?
I popped one out at 26. I had an early miscarriage two years before. It still depresses me.
first husband?
Strangely enough, I managed to get married BEFORE I got pregnant! Only dumb luck though. Let's see, I was 23, he was 26. We've been together, including our first date, for 21 years.
Probably I covered this stuff in my "Fifty things about me" other blog, or should have just added it there. And who is the bigger dumbass, the one who fills out this survey, or the one who copies the survey from the first dumbass, insults said dumbass, and then proceeds to fill out the survey herself? Oy.
personal history survey
place of birth?
Near Philadelphia. Who cares? Freaking identity theft stalkers, that's who.
what is your first conscious memory?
Jumping on my parents' bed while my dad was reading a newspaper on the toilet in the bathroom on the otherside of the room with the door open. When I told him about this a long time ago, he insists he couldn't have been USING the toilet, was probably just escaping the coffee klatch mom had in the living room. Knowing him, I believe it. Mr. Anal Retentive wouldn't have actually used a bathroom with a witness present, he would have locked the door.
state of your parents’ union?
Well, they were married when I was born, although it was the second time they had married each other. Gluttons for punishment I think.
remember anything about your first home?
Well, I was there for fourteen freaking years, so I say yes. It was a rancher on an acre of land with the house perched on a hilltop that made for GREAT sledding. Too bad I can't stand the freaking snow now.
did you have pets as a child?
A succession of dogs. The first I loved and was hit by the jackass neighbor's car who went five million miles per hour in an extremely residential dead end street. It could have easily been one of us kids instead. We mourned the dog horribly. Then got two more. All three had several litters of puppies (we were bad environmentalists then. Well worse, anyway).
biggest hobby?
Um, does reading count? I was a serious bibliophile at a very young age. I climbed trees a great deal.
music or sports?
both I guess. I loved the piano, but didn't take real lessons until like um eleven? twelve? I loved riding my bike, but I wasn't much for team sports. or teams. oo, wait, ping pong fanatic. WAY back in the day.
childhood bullies?
Yeah, Kurt at the top of the hill. Probably picked on me because my older brothers kicked his ass on several memorable occasions. I'm sure he's a cool adult now. There were others at school too, but I forget. I think the girls were scarier than the boys.
favorite childhood book?
probably the Ramona the Pest series. There were so many. Madeleine L'Engle when I was a little older.
first best friend?
Still is!! Lisa the Great. Lived across the street. Knew me in utero. Hardly get to see her now that I moved to the sticks. Bad me.
favorite elementary school teacher and subject?
My kindergarten teacher sticks in my mind as the kindest/sweetest, Mrs Rice. I think I know all the rest - Kinderman, Hallman, Walters, Feist, Gradwell, um, Swa-something. Favorite subject back then - probably reading. Getting to go to the library. Hated gym, was picked on too much. Failed math, I think.
best subject in high school?
Language arts? Math? I can tell you what I LIKED the most: ceramics. Didn't like gym still, but was excused by extremely sensitive laid back track guy who let me and a friend go work out with the football team in the weight room everyday. Somebody tell me WHY I found THAT less traumatizing?
extracurricular?
Was not a band twinkie, or cheerleader, or any crap like that. Was actually kind of antisocial. Started joining clubs my second year of HS for purposes of plumping transcript for college admission in order to get the h out of my household. Admissions application question: why do you want to go to our school? Truthful answer: must escape insane parents NOW. YOUR school has nothing to do with it.
first dance?
Don't think I ever did. No wait, does two proms count? Don't believe we did any dancing though.
first date?
not quite remembering. Probably with first real boyfriend.
first kiss?
With boy named David at Junior Achievement conference in San Francisco. I had gum in my mouth. He stuck his tongue in it. Oops.
when did you first get a driver’s license?
I think eighteen. I was TERRIFIED to drive. Might have been permit at sixteen, license at seventeen, didn't drive until eighteen.
first car was?
a blue 1981 Chevette, manual drive. Boy was that fun my first time on the freeway, during rush hour, in Los Angeles.
at what age did you have your first significant romantic relationship?
I see where this is leading, and I'm going to delete the next question. But anyway, I was fifteen and had a steady boyfriend that I dated for two and a half years. He was awesome. It made high school more bearable.
biggest trouble you got into during HS (or earlier?)
Probably when I was in the woods with my brother and his friends who were smoking pot. I wanted to come along for the walk. We went behind a church (stupid idiots) and they called the cops. We ran like hell, and they didn't catch us. Once I sat in the car while some of my friends T.P'd somebody's parents' house that they were pissed at. Also, I borrowed a key from one of the ladies in the admin office and went into the Dean's office right before there was a big standardized test administered. Holy hell broke loose that I might have compromised the whole school. I almost pissed my pants and came close to getting an ulcer. I sobbed in a bathroom for a half hour. And once my parents came home while my boyfriend was over at night(no, he wasn't supposed to be there) and I had to shoo him out the back door before they came in the front. I can't pick just one.
did you take a college entrance exam, and do you still remember the scores?
I know I took the SAT's, and my scores were 530 english (which shocked me b/c it was low) and 690 math (which shocked me b/c it was high). This was back when a perfect score in each was 800. Now I think they are 1200 in each category. I also took the Achievement tests? The scores were similar, I think.
class rank?
OMG, I have no idea. It was in the top ten percent. Possibly top five. What difference does that make if you have a low population in your particular class or if they are a big bunch of losers? it doesn't proove anything. There were almost 500 seniors the year I graduated, which was back in the dark ages.
H.S. diploma/College degree?
Yes and yes. Graduated high school at sixteen, didn't graduate college until 23. Just a bachelor's though. Grad school is not permanently out of reach.
first time you moved away from home, and RUNNING away doesn’t count…
I started college at sixteen, just a couple months before I turned seventeen, and I moved into the dorms. I did NOT rush a soroirity.
first job?
Sales Associate at a then major department store which since went out of business forever even though they had been around since 76 trombones led the big parade....
most interesting job?
probably working in the "skin shop." It was a talent agency for strippers and clowns and other party entertainment.
first deliberate career/field choice?
well I majored in human resources management for a reason. That's where I ended up. I should have majored in social work or nursing instead. But I don't regret it.
first baby/child?
I popped one out at 26. I had an early miscarriage two years before. It still depresses me.
first husband?
Strangely enough, I managed to get married BEFORE I got pregnant! Only dumb luck though. Let's see, I was 23, he was 26. We've been together, including our first date, for 21 years.
Probably I covered this stuff in my "Fifty things about me" other blog, or should have just added it there. And who is the bigger dumbass, the one who fills out this survey, or the one who copies the survey from the first dumbass, insults said dumbass, and then proceeds to fill out the survey herself? Oy.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
What’s my point; not sure I have one.
With the advent of the new year, and having now been on blogger for the last six months or so, I am now giving more serious consideration to going public, but I just don’t feel sure about it. There are three main issues I’m thinking about:
1. I’m boring. And that’s the truth. I thought I would discuss aspects of the kid’s lives on a more regular basis; i.e. what symptoms of autism and other developmental disabilities are like, how they impact our daily routines and family life. That was supposed to kill two birds with one stone: to raise autism/disability awareness, and to let our extended family and friends keep up with us a little more. I know the grandparents are really missing out, and yet I feel like I’m not writing for them even though that was my intention. I don’t post near enough, and at the end of the day, even though there are lots of things that happen that they might find interesting, I’m just so tired. What inspires my get-up-and-go is when I feel passionately about some social issue, like prop 8 (which I deleted already, don’t bother trying to find it, I used too many four letter words), not the mundane details of our banal existence. And I am often inspired by things that really tick me off. I mean, who wants to read that stuff? What a total downer. I should try for shorter (HA!) more frequent posts. I just don’t find myself having the self discipline or energy to do it. Plus I guess that I don’t think I can be horribly entertaining with short frequent posts. Sigh. Our insecurities always undo us.
2. My skills. I thought after six months or so, I would absorb the ups and downs, ins and outs of the technology. WRONG. I have read a lot of other people’s blogs, I have looked at a lot of neat widgets, I have spent a lot of time studying blog “etiquette,” but I don’t think my education in this area is near enough. I would think there is a way to remedy this, like maybe I need to investigate formal (or even informal) training on the subject. There is a certain irony in that I originally was a computer science major at the university, a programmer, to be exact. And now I don’t have a clue. I expected that my reasonable intelligence level would eventually overcome this obstacle, but, not yet. Work in progress, I guess. I am reasonably insecure about my writing skills too, but I don’t give a rat’s butt about that. I have blogging friends and family members who are way more talented than I am, but this is not a talent contest, and I have just as much value and contribution to make. I just wish I knew what the hell I was doing with the technology.
3. PRIVACY. This is an issue in so many different ways for not only me, but my family members, and even third parties. If I’m going to be asserting my opinion in cyber space, do I have a right to keep some of my privacy? If I was writing a newspaper column (a renegade one no less, on a flyer jammed into the middle of the newsprint pages), do I have a reasonable expectation of privacy? I feel like public blogging opens me up to criticism I’m not ready to deal with. There seems to be a definite death of manners and common courtesy on the internet. How much of it can I take? My content of late has rather than personal instead been about my relatively uneducated opinion on certain autism and other social issues. Even then, I think to myself, “who am I to have a written public opinion on Terri Schiavo? Hasn’t her family been through enough pain than to suffer the careless treatment of strangers discussing her situation as water cooler fodder? True, I am arguing in their favor, but it’s not like they asked me.”
I don’t think I realized how insecure I was until I started writing this blog. I can visualize back to junior high school when those kind of feelings reached peak levels, and I think what I feel now is so miniscule in comparison, so as to be virtually disappeared. Perhaps cyber space now is the new frontier of peer pressure and social oversensitivity. The kind of cyber bullying I have witnessed has been excruciating to see.
And then if I’m going to have an opinion, and presumably come under attack, don’t I need to be afraid of the weirdoes coming out of the woodwork? I have small (and large), vulnerable children, and we are out and about in our community. Besides being afraid for their safety, how about their rights to privacy? For instance, I would love to talk about OCD girl more. I think awareness on that topic is very low. But she is horribly self conscious. Even if I’m not concerned about stranger danger, how about keeping the details of her personal life private from family members and friends?
This has been a problem for us in places like church and school. She needed help, but how to ask for it if she doesn’t want anyone to know what the problem is? Thank goodness my son is a little less self conscious, he needs an awful lot of help, and the only way he is going to get it is by being as visible and assertive as possible. He LIKES wearing his autism shirt, because in the absence of a visible cue (such as a cast on a broken limb or leg braces or the physical characteristics of Down’s syndrome), he doesn’t have to try to explain himself quite so much. I fear DD will have a very circumscribed life because the only thing more hindering than her disability is her desire that no one know about it to the point where she can’t work on it and start to get past it.
Also, there have even been times when I wanted to talk about something in my struggle with the kids and I feel like I can’t talk about casual acquaintances or friends and other family members unless I remain semi anonymous or even totally anonymous. I had an absolutely horrific conversation with a staff member of an institution from where I was trying to get services for one of my kids, and even though this other person doesn’t like me and said rotten things, I still felt like out of respect for her privacy that I shouldn’t repeat the details of the conversation, not to mention worrying about retribution against my child in the form of a lack of cooperation from this person in the future. Yet it was an important step in my journey, the relating of which is supposed to be one of my goals in blogging.
My own growth and path is so closely connected with so many other people that I don’t know how to discuss it and leave them their privacy. One thing I found very helpful was reading the description of the relationships between other wives and their asperger’s husbands, it’s a virtual support group. And if I was to come out of the blogging closet, I would be revealing very intimate details on the relationship between my husband and me (who is, by the way, a very fabulous guy). He is generally very supportive, but what if he doesn’t feel like sharing his personal struggles with the World Wide Web? And suppose his co workers or other professional peers were to stumble across my blog? I have already deleted one post that I wrote around our wedding anniversary this year; it disclosed what may have been some important information for someone else needing empathy in a similar situation. It would have definitely been progress towards my goal of spreading autism awareness. But do I have the right, even with his blessing? I would love to write tributes to all of my parents, and some other mentors, but in order to do so, will I have to completely whitewash everything? If I don’t include the bad with the good, how useful will it be? I just have not been able to reconcile those questions yet; I guess it’s time to perhaps ask some experienced bloggers for their opinions.
1. I’m boring. And that’s the truth. I thought I would discuss aspects of the kid’s lives on a more regular basis; i.e. what symptoms of autism and other developmental disabilities are like, how they impact our daily routines and family life. That was supposed to kill two birds with one stone: to raise autism/disability awareness, and to let our extended family and friends keep up with us a little more. I know the grandparents are really missing out, and yet I feel like I’m not writing for them even though that was my intention. I don’t post near enough, and at the end of the day, even though there are lots of things that happen that they might find interesting, I’m just so tired. What inspires my get-up-and-go is when I feel passionately about some social issue, like prop 8 (which I deleted already, don’t bother trying to find it, I used too many four letter words), not the mundane details of our banal existence. And I am often inspired by things that really tick me off. I mean, who wants to read that stuff? What a total downer. I should try for shorter (HA!) more frequent posts. I just don’t find myself having the self discipline or energy to do it. Plus I guess that I don’t think I can be horribly entertaining with short frequent posts. Sigh. Our insecurities always undo us.
2. My skills. I thought after six months or so, I would absorb the ups and downs, ins and outs of the technology. WRONG. I have read a lot of other people’s blogs, I have looked at a lot of neat widgets, I have spent a lot of time studying blog “etiquette,” but I don’t think my education in this area is near enough. I would think there is a way to remedy this, like maybe I need to investigate formal (or even informal) training on the subject. There is a certain irony in that I originally was a computer science major at the university, a programmer, to be exact. And now I don’t have a clue. I expected that my reasonable intelligence level would eventually overcome this obstacle, but, not yet. Work in progress, I guess. I am reasonably insecure about my writing skills too, but I don’t give a rat’s butt about that. I have blogging friends and family members who are way more talented than I am, but this is not a talent contest, and I have just as much value and contribution to make. I just wish I knew what the hell I was doing with the technology.
3. PRIVACY. This is an issue in so many different ways for not only me, but my family members, and even third parties. If I’m going to be asserting my opinion in cyber space, do I have a right to keep some of my privacy? If I was writing a newspaper column (a renegade one no less, on a flyer jammed into the middle of the newsprint pages), do I have a reasonable expectation of privacy? I feel like public blogging opens me up to criticism I’m not ready to deal with. There seems to be a definite death of manners and common courtesy on the internet. How much of it can I take? My content of late has rather than personal instead been about my relatively uneducated opinion on certain autism and other social issues. Even then, I think to myself, “who am I to have a written public opinion on Terri Schiavo? Hasn’t her family been through enough pain than to suffer the careless treatment of strangers discussing her situation as water cooler fodder? True, I am arguing in their favor, but it’s not like they asked me.”
I don’t think I realized how insecure I was until I started writing this blog. I can visualize back to junior high school when those kind of feelings reached peak levels, and I think what I feel now is so miniscule in comparison, so as to be virtually disappeared. Perhaps cyber space now is the new frontier of peer pressure and social oversensitivity. The kind of cyber bullying I have witnessed has been excruciating to see.
And then if I’m going to have an opinion, and presumably come under attack, don’t I need to be afraid of the weirdoes coming out of the woodwork? I have small (and large), vulnerable children, and we are out and about in our community. Besides being afraid for their safety, how about their rights to privacy? For instance, I would love to talk about OCD girl more. I think awareness on that topic is very low. But she is horribly self conscious. Even if I’m not concerned about stranger danger, how about keeping the details of her personal life private from family members and friends?
This has been a problem for us in places like church and school. She needed help, but how to ask for it if she doesn’t want anyone to know what the problem is? Thank goodness my son is a little less self conscious, he needs an awful lot of help, and the only way he is going to get it is by being as visible and assertive as possible. He LIKES wearing his autism shirt, because in the absence of a visible cue (such as a cast on a broken limb or leg braces or the physical characteristics of Down’s syndrome), he doesn’t have to try to explain himself quite so much. I fear DD will have a very circumscribed life because the only thing more hindering than her disability is her desire that no one know about it to the point where she can’t work on it and start to get past it.
Also, there have even been times when I wanted to talk about something in my struggle with the kids and I feel like I can’t talk about casual acquaintances or friends and other family members unless I remain semi anonymous or even totally anonymous. I had an absolutely horrific conversation with a staff member of an institution from where I was trying to get services for one of my kids, and even though this other person doesn’t like me and said rotten things, I still felt like out of respect for her privacy that I shouldn’t repeat the details of the conversation, not to mention worrying about retribution against my child in the form of a lack of cooperation from this person in the future. Yet it was an important step in my journey, the relating of which is supposed to be one of my goals in blogging.
My own growth and path is so closely connected with so many other people that I don’t know how to discuss it and leave them their privacy. One thing I found very helpful was reading the description of the relationships between other wives and their asperger’s husbands, it’s a virtual support group. And if I was to come out of the blogging closet, I would be revealing very intimate details on the relationship between my husband and me (who is, by the way, a very fabulous guy). He is generally very supportive, but what if he doesn’t feel like sharing his personal struggles with the World Wide Web? And suppose his co workers or other professional peers were to stumble across my blog? I have already deleted one post that I wrote around our wedding anniversary this year; it disclosed what may have been some important information for someone else needing empathy in a similar situation. It would have definitely been progress towards my goal of spreading autism awareness. But do I have the right, even with his blessing? I would love to write tributes to all of my parents, and some other mentors, but in order to do so, will I have to completely whitewash everything? If I don’t include the bad with the good, how useful will it be? I just have not been able to reconcile those questions yet; I guess it’s time to perhaps ask some experienced bloggers for their opinions.
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