Buried

I have to take my daughter all over town tomorrow, and I have been super duper sleep deprived this week, thanks to whatever funk baby boy has been going through at night lately, and the fact that teen aspie got a little bit behind in his school work and I needed to help catch him up. To top it off, we are looking at yet another potential snow weather report. I realize that it's winter, and that I have chosen quite deliberately to live in the northeast United States, but crap. I'm too old.

Last month, I got up before 5 am (ok, a couple of those times I admit I was actually still awake) FIVE times to dig my husband's car and our not incredibly long driveway out of the snow before he would begin his thankless hour and a half commute to a not great paying but very steady in this crappy economy job. Did I mention I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, diabetes and am still recovering from a mini stroke from less than two years ago? And it's been effing cold, even for here. Maybe it's time for some cheese with this whine, but seriously, people, I moved out here so that life would be a little more EASY to handle.

So much for the simple life. I am seriously contemplating, although it will take an extraordinary amount of effort and a considerable amount of time, starting the process of moving back to the Los Angeles area. I will never commit to that in the long term, I really quite dislike Los Angeles in fact. It is dirty, crowded, expensive and scary. I won't even talk about what I thought of the people when I first moved there. Number one son was born there and he has rose colored memories of it, so he is totally on board. But I just want some place that's warmer, or at least not freaking cold. I am only thinking about L.A. since we soon will have a narrow window of opportunity to spend time with our parents while they are still on this earth.

I feel I have completely deprived both sets of our parents from a relationship with our little one. Granted, we weren't planning on any more pregnancies, and I had already committed to moving out here when the rabbit died, but still. I love the whole extended family concept, and our parents don't suck. We both have our issues to be sure, but one thing we both agree on wholeheartedly is that the grandparent - grandchild relationship should be encouraged on all fronts. My own bio mom is here, and the only reason she is was so that she could be with us. She can't wait to go back to Cali, and the second we do, she will probably book the Concord to zip past us on our way.

It's such a difficult decision. DD is twentyone, and there is a good chance she may not want to come along. For sure the economy needs to straigthen out a little before I would even think about creating a new resume for DH and starting that whole networking process. The stability at this address has been really good for all of us, and three years was the top amount of time we ever spent at any home in L.A.

It also means probably less available services for the kids, and the adoption benefits for any potential kids are not likely going to be half as good. Granted we are some years away from considering adoption/foster care again, but still. I have a hard time letting go or those dreams and the relationships we have established here. Even those in the family who want to go have a hard time adjusting to change, it's hard to believe that someone like me would be considered the MOST flexible in our family.

When you stack all that up against wanting a relationship for the kids and the grandparents, well all the former stuff just sort of falls away. Afterall, we moved out here in large part to have the opportunity for me and the kids to be near MY grandmother for the last few years of her life, and there is no price you could put on that. Despite the struggles and challenges, I can't regret that time I got to have with her. I know for sure I would regret not having that time for my kids with my parents.

Sigh, didn't I promise an uplifting post? I lied.